tough/letter

chris,
it's so hard being away from you. i know that you always say that you're right here with me, but it's never the same. at night i lay in bed thinking about what it was like to have your arms around me. i'm afraid i'm gonna forget what it all feels like. what it feels like to hold your hand, to kiss you, to be held by you. that terrifies me.

you were right when you said to me a little bit ago that i got used to having you around. even though i was only there for 5 days, i got used to seeing you every day. i got used to waking you up in the morning and being near you until 2 or 3am. i got used to feeling your arms around me while i fell asleep at night. i got used to kissing you good night every night before you left the room. but i don't get that now. it's so hard at night laying in bed with out you beside me or with out getting to kiss you.

it's hard knowing that school is coming up and how we're not gonna be able to talk so much. we really started talking when we were both done with school so we had more time and i've gotten so used to it. i've gotten used to pretty much being able to talk to you when i want. but now i feel like i'm never gonna get to talk to you. and not just because you're gonna be busy but because i'll be busy too. especially now that i'll be working more hours. i'm afraid that there will be nights when we won't be able to skype and that kills me. i already hate that it's limited to only being able to see you and hear your voice at night but now it might not even be able to be every night and i don't know how i'm gonna be able to handle that.

it's hard for me not having the plans for you to come out set in stone. i know that you need to wait, but to me that means that there's more possibility that it won't happen. i know you can't get your ticket yet because your grandpa doesn't know if he can come and if there's an emergency. but i don't want to wait to find out. i want it to be a 100% for sure thing so that i can fully look forward to it. because right now all i can think of is when you tell me something came up and you can't come out. i know it's dumb and that i should be more excited but it's tough. i can't let myself get too excited because there's still that chance that it won't work out.

its hard to think about how much i probably bug you with being sad so much. but baby i don't know what else to do. i feel like you're the only person i can talk to about it because you understand. but then other times i feel like you don't. i know you're trying to be strong for me but you're right, sometimes it does make me feel like you don't miss me like i do you. and it's hard because i know you're already stressed about school and your family and i'm putting my problems on you. i don't want you to be constantly worried about me because you have other things to worry about. it terrifies me that you'll think i'm just always gonna be like this and that you can't handle it anymore. that i'm just too sad or i get sad too often and that you don't want to deal with it anymore, so you'll get out of this relationship. that's why sometimes i try, with out any success, to pretend like nothings wrong. that's why i just always say that i'm fine. i feel bad for always putting my stress and sadness on you and i'm afraid it's gonna drive you away. even though you say it won't, i'm afraid it will.

i try baby. i try to be happy all the time. but when i get thinking about how i can't be with you, sometimes its just too much to handle. i'm trying as best as i can to be strong about everything i just said i'm afraid of. but sometimes my fear just completely takes over and i don't know how to make it go away. sometimes i honestly don't know why i'm sad. i guess it's just that i'm sad for so many reasons sometimes that i can't pin point one thing and i don't know how to make that stop. i think that's when i feel the worst is when i can't even identify why i'm feeling the way i do. it's discouraging not knowing how to make it go away or whats causing the sadness or the hurt. but i promise i'm doing my best to be strong and to be happy. and i promise that i'm not sad all the time. i have my times where i'm completely happy and don't even really think about these things. but it's those times when i do that i hate. i hate being sad like this. i feel like it brings down our relationship and puts a toll on it and that's the last thing i want to be responsible for.

so baby i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i put all of this on you all the time. i'm sorry that i'm not as strong as you. i'm sorry that i have doubts about you making it out here this winter. but i also promise you that i pray about it all the time. about everything. about my sadness, about you coming out. i pray about it all. sometimes it helps, other times it doesn't. but i pray that i'll be stronger about this and that i won't be sad all the time. i just really hope it starts getting better soon.